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| We've always blamed our Asian parents. It's typical, but it's true. After all, they are the ones that raised us to be how we are - they were the ones that put us in this horribly typical Asian-American competitive environment. It's one where there are endless expectations and hoops to jump through. Whether or not you make it is not a choice - it's how well you make it through. So when one set of parents' daughter goes off to Hong Kong for two years and comes home without a degree, saying that she wants to start over and transfer, the hoop disappears and expectations are confused. It takes a while to get used to, having one of these strays go off the track, but eventually everyone comes around. She signs up for classes at the community college nearby and finds a job at Express, a retail clothing store (oh, the horror - she's not working a desk job). Within six months, she's promoted to Brand Sales Leader (Assistant Manager) and suddenly maybe she doesn't seem to have missed too many hoops after all. Most importantly, she's finding herself and realizing that the little taste of management she's getting from a regular retail store is not enough. She has expectations of her own visions that must be pleased. Dreams to go on and work with people in a managerial environment, one where she can not lose focus or her mind come about. Maybe it's all too fluffy to really imagine, but things are starting to be more possible. Maybe the parents aren't to blame after all. Maybe we are the ones to blame - or maybe not. Maybe there is no blame but just experience to move through obstacles and find ourselves within the messy forest of foreign countries and retail stores. Or maybe there is just less blame. Whatever it is, it gets easier and clearer with time and maybe that's all we really just needed: time.
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| Maybe Jack and Jill weren't meant to be perfect.
It's strange how beautiful literature can possess one's soul and mind and make it toss and turn until there is nowhere left to go. It has never been easy to take things in stride and be proud and confident and grateful all at the same time. Is it possible?
Confusion is granted to only those that are lucky to inherit the good fortune of needing and wanting and being able to be confused. It has never been a stage in life that anyone has been happy to be in, but it is one that people force themselves into everyday. Is it worth it to take the step forward and leave it all behind? Must we leave it all behind, or can we take parts of it with us? Perhaps it would be too painful. Perhaps not.
One could say they would never know. But they do. They know already what is possible and what is not. They know already what the immediate future holds if this step forward were to be taken. But on top of all of this, it is still difficult. It's difficult in the way that those impossible things look easy, easy in the most difficult way. The action is so simple but the foundation is not. Things are always complicated and most likely they will stay that way.
Maybe I just need to rewind.
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| And they knew the end was coming. They had a good run after all. Even after all the screaming and fighting and frustration, there were the happy times, and what mattered most was that those times shone and stood out against the bad. Even as Jack and Jill were tumbling down that hill, with Jack whispering "I love you" into Jill's ear, they knew it was only meant for that split second.
That second when they were up in the air and everything was still up in the air - it was that second that made a difference. Yet when the day came to an end, feelings and emotions were to be suppressed so that each could move on to complete the lives of their own. It was necessary - harsh, but necessary. It was then that they each understood was to be done. They went their separate ways and kept in mind the times they shared, never to be forgotten.
It is in these memories that we preserve what is most important to us all, and it is in these memories that we learn what is needed even if it hurts, even if it doesn't feel right then. At the end, it will all be right and everything will work out. It is in the end that we truly appreciate and take steps to forgive and forget. It is in the end that we can whole heartedly love our past and the people in it.
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| I remember when Xanga first came out and everybody had one. In fact, everyone still has one now, cept only half of the people still use theirs. This is all pre-Myspace. I'm against Myspace - sorry to those Myspacers. I remember how everyone had a secret Xanga. I'm sure some people still have theirs. Haha. I know I do. It's funny because of the concept. Why don't people just write in a diary? I guess it's more convenient. But I think there's more than that.
It's the whole concept of wanting to share one's feelings but not being able to do so because of the situation. Whether if it's about crushes, about beliefs, about values, whatever. It's always something that you want to tell the world, your mom, your girlfiend, best friend, anyone, but can't. So instead, you go to your secret web space where you know one could possibly stumble over, but probably never will. You push that chance that maybe somebody will come across it one day and finally realize what you've been feeling all along - and why. It's like you want them to know without telling them. You want them to suddenly know.
So every once in a while I'll trek over to my secret page and put random thoughts on there. Really, it's nothing but it's not anything I'd want to share at the moment. Maybe in due time it would come out into public, but that moment is never right at that time.
Or maybe, I'm just crazy and the only one with a secret Xanga.
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| So I'm home now.. and pretty settled. Just a few more admin stuff to do for my school and it should be smooth sailing.
This picture/comic is cute.
Home is comfortable. I still miss HK and all its goodness. I miss all of you there :) I'll definitely go back and see you guys. When? Can't be certain. But I will. I promise.
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